When he doesn’t know what he wants…

Yesterday I set a boundary. It needed to be said, as He had been messaging me daily (including good morning/good night messages) since we stepped back from dating. Calling once a week. Last Saturday he invited me over to make me dinner, and fool that I was, it really was just as friends.

It’s confusing, when someone acts like your boyfriend, but has clearly said he doesn’t want anything serious. He knows I’m not a Friends with Benefits girl, and he’s dropped all flirtation.

Friendship would be fine – he’s not a bad guy – but not with these mixed messages.

Gaslighting and crazy-making were a part of my life for so long. I don’t want to play relationship games. I don’t want to meet someone else’s needs while burying my own. I don’t compartmentalize or even transition between different relationship stages readily.

But I deserve to be with someone who wants me. I said I wasn’t in a rush, so long as we weren’t dating other people, and that I was interested in possibilities not promises. He seemed pretty certain that he wouldn’t be able to offer even a possibility. I’ve accepted what he told me, and respected that.

I recognize where his actions come from – knowing what little I do of his background. They come from a place of loneliness and insecurity. But I can’t go back to living that life. It triggers too many uncomfortable things for me, especially when the person involved is not a great communicator.

But the honest truth? I felt safe in his arms. I miss that feeling. And I’m lonely.

So to thwart the possibilities of wallowing, I’m having a few friends over for a movie tonight, and I’ve picked up a new hobby. I’ll still see Him at events with mutual friends, but no more one-on-one stuff for a little while, at the least.



Reflections on what I deserve

“You deserve better.”

The ultimate masculine cop-out, quite apropo for someone with low self-esteem who isn’t sure what they want.

I have wrestled with this comment for weeks, wondering why it rankled me so. With my ex-husband, it was a compliment fishing expedition. A game I no longer play. This time, though, it came across as noncommittal as the rest of our brief relationship.

Yesterday my thoughts finally resolved. I don’t necessarily deserve better, because that implies my wants don’t factor into the equation. What I deserve? Is someone’s best.

Not perfection. Not catering to my needs at the expense of their own. Not treating me like a delicate work of art that will shatter at a glance. But a chance to be known and to know someone who wants to share and work towards that best self.

3 Ways to Move Past or Protect Yourself from Rejection in Relationships and Dating — Must Be This Tall To Ride

“Your mind deserves to be stimulated. It deserves peace.

Your body deserves to be wanted. It deserves satisfaction.

Your spirit deserves to be nurtured. It deserves whatever support you require on your life journey.”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

When I wasn’t crying over my divorce and broken family, I was mostly getting dating wrong. Must Be This Tall To Ride wasn’t about helping anyone. It wasn’t about strengthening relationships, preventing divorce, or improving ourselves. It was simply about me being a trainwreck and amusing myself by sharing stories about it. I had just […]

via 3 Ways to Move Past or Protect Yourself from Rejection in Relationships and Dating — Must Be This Tall To Ride

Navigating the Currents

After taking a class for a first-time experience with a water sport this weekend, I’m amused by the similarities between relationships and the water itself. On their own, neither are inherently bad, it’s how we interact with them that determines the outcome. Do we jump in feet first, not even knowing how deep it is? Do we know the currents? Do we jump in anyway, for the thrill, despite knowing the danger?

My last, rather brief, relationship I fell hard, and I fell fast for someone I’d known for many, many years. I certainly took the jump, knowing the danger – the lack of emotional maturity, being in different places in life. The currents of our lives drew us close to one another for a brief moment, but now have drawn us further away again.

I’ve promised myself to be completely honest here – both for anyone interested in the journey post Domestic Violence as well as post Divorce.

We had two wonderful first dates, and then he stopped actively pursuing. We talked daily, and he had a lot going on, but in hindsight his feelings were not as strong as mine were becoming. He was kind, still is kind, and respectful of my boundaries. But when we were together there was a lot of the physical and not as much of the emotional connection. Which was odd, because before our first date there was a natural build-up of emotional intimacy. I let down my physical boundaries too soon, and while he was a considerate and fun lover, I had no idea how much that would super-charge my emotions.
Continue reading “Navigating the Currents”