Sometimes everything in my life blurs just beyond my immediate view, like staring out the passenger window during a road trip. Moving so quickly, distinct features fade into hazy generalities. Flash of orange. Rising and falling gray. Fuzzy depths of ambiguous green.
I can guess what those things are… a road sign. A concrete barrier. Trees. But all the details fade with the rush of travelling at 60 mph. Right now my world feels a little like that, emotionally, and I have to consciously ‘pull over’ to stop and examine what is going on.
The last few weeks have been a struggle, recovering from some scheduled medical treatments has left me more dependent on others for day to day things. I am on the mend, but the feeling of vulnerability inevitably leads to feelings of anxiety. Those proceed merrily into the territories of ‘fear of commitment’ and ‘exhaustive rumination’.
Sometimes being stuck in these painful moments teaches me the most about the people closest to me. My immediate family. Guy. My closest friends.
That I can trust people to help take care of me.
That I am loved, and I am not a burden.
That it is ok if I need something from other people.
And in the midst of all that chaotic jumble of emotions, and struggling to accept that the above is true… my ex is continuing to leave nasty breadcrumbs for me to find online. Nothing quite overt enough to break my protection order. But I am documenting everything. But these encounters stir up all those fears in my current relationship –
Everything I say can and will be used against me.
What am I doing that may give Guy opportunities to hurt me?
If I talk about my ideas – creatively, etc. will he steal them and use them as his own?
None of these fears contribute to the necessary vulnerability that comes with a strong, trusting, healthy relationship. But we’re working on it, and I’ve realized I kind of like having Guy around, and I’m pretty sure he is a good guy who would never be so petty. It is becoming startlingly pathetic, his inability to move on with his life. I’ve tried so hard to avoid belittling verbiage regarding my Ex, but at this point I’ve reached the mildly angry, fed up, and eye-rolling stage. If only I weren’t so nervous about his mental instability and the possible repercussions of his anger towards me. (It is quite obvious that he still considers me the reason for anything wrong in his life.)
It leaves me caught up in this strange mish-mash of the past and the present, making it difficult to entirely escape thoughts of my ex from popping up. When I drive, I still hear his voice telling me I am a scary driver (I am a very average driver, not great, but not bad either). I have random thoughts pop up – not how they describe PTSD, not as if I am back in that specific moment – but of memories, random thoughts that simply pop into my head. I’m not quite reliving them, but they appear and it is a battle to eradicate them.
My goals are to stay engaged with the people who matter to me. To write more here, as I can, to help me process. I am trying very hard to silence that inner voice that wants me to isolate – but still give myself space for plenty of rest. Emotional stuff is so physically exhausting.