Sometimes I forget it is not possible to be in control of everything, all the time. Or that, even if I am in control, my choices do not always lead to the best results. Or, even if my choices don’t lead to ‘the best’ results, who determines what is best and worst? Me. And sometimes those determinations are a little arbitrary, or based on other peoples’ expectations.
The last few weeks have brought with them an overflow of information, a few realizations, an incident with the ex, the Flu, a heart to heart with myself, time with friends, preparation for a long-planned minor surgery, and some heavy considerations regarding my priorities, relationships… pretty much the whole nine yards and then some.
There are so many things we know and spout, repeat, share, and discuss – but sometimes something deeper has to happen in the core of our being for that understanding to be internalized and really impact us.
For me, there are a few things that really came home to me since the last time I posted:
- I shouldn’t make something a priority in my life, purely to meet others’ expectations (IE: Finishing school, for my father).
- When something changes (like a promotion) it is okay to sit down and re-prioritize my goals and commitments.
- It’s okay for me to determine what makes me happy, and pursue it.
- Making mistakes is a part of living – just because I made one monumental mistake in who I chose to marry, doesn’t mean that other mistakes I make will end in such disastrous and life-altering ways.
As a result, I’ve decided that my priorities are going to be:
- Job – lots of training and travel for new job!
- Physical Health, various issues that I pushed aside for too long.
- Mental Health – including designated me time (writing, reading, music, sewing or some other hobby.)
- Relationships (Friends, Family, Romantic) – I miss my people, and guilt-free time with them.
I am going to re-evaluate school in 2017 – but since my job is going better and I got my promotion, it is no longer a major issue.
Guy and I had one or two good and important talks in the past few weeks. We have had a disparity of commitment levels, and I think we understand each other a little better now. Although I have a lot of great head knowledge, and I am mentally and physically stronger and healthier, now I am starting to encounter the more deeply-rooted issues. For someone who likes to feel like I have my head on straight, and ‘get’ these things, it’s hard to keep running into these similar walls. Some days I feel like I’m in a fun-house filled with mirrors, side-stepping one just to find myself running into what I am trying to avoid.
There is a check, on sharing sensitive thoughts or information (about myself or others) – out of fear that private information will be used against me. Or to hurt those I care about. That inner voice still says ‘when’ and not ‘if’ Guy will hurt me, and I don’t know if I can fix it.
“When we break up…”
“When he gets angry…”
“When he gets tired of me…”
“When he realizes I’m not worth it…”
When, when, when. Followed by an “inevitable” expectation of a future negative consequence.
Abuse leaves scars, even when it isn’t physical. It’s not a ‘my life is over’ sentence, it’s just… recognizing those truths and confronting them when I can. And recognizing that, just like damage after a major injury, I might have to have more patience for myself than I am used to.