Romantic relationships (and other relationships) have been different after dealing with the emotional/verbal abuse in my marriage. While my ex never hit me, he was violent to my surroundings.
Those interactions leave scars, and I found this an interesting article regarding relationships post abuse. What are the fears we hold onto? Why do we find some things more difficult than others? I found this a helpful/useful article. Continue reading
Revelations are curious things, and sometimes the most profound of realizations to some are ones that are so obvious to others. But I suppose, the path to understanding ourselves is more about the journey to the destination than the destination itself.
A recent run-in with my ex, who decided it best to get arrested rather than obey my protection order, left me opening mail from the Domestic Violence Advocate and the Prosecutor’s office. In it, was a request for a Victim’s Impact Statement.
Although the request sent me to my Google Docs and I wrote several pages on several different days, none granted me the words I wished to use. I wanted to achieve a few things:
- I wanted to be cognizant that anything I write will go into the public record.
- I do not want to be weak, but I want him to understand I will utilize my protection order to the full legal extent I am allowed.
Though I still don’t have anything down I feel comfortable sharing, I discovered some things about myself through this process.
Sometimes I forget it is not possible to be in control of everything, all the time. Or that, even if I am in control, my choices do not always lead to the best results. Or, even if my choices don’t lead to ‘the best’ results, who determines what is best and worst? Me. And sometimes those determinations are a little arbitrary, or based on other peoples’ expectations.
The last few weeks have brought with them an overflow of information, a few realizations, an incident with the ex, the Flu, a heart to heart with myself, time with friends, preparation for a long-planned minor surgery, and some heavy considerations regarding my priorities, relationships… pretty much the whole nine yards and then some.
Somewhere in the last year, I met someone who genuinely valued me. Who supported me. Who seemed to enjoy my oddities and find a simple pleasure in my presence. Someone who shared my interests, and who could handle defeat of various kinds with grace and kindness and an odd sort of self-confidence that was dashingly attractive.
Tonight, I realized our relationship was lopsided. That I look at a deepening relationship with as much fear as he does eagerness.
Someone in a group made a comment about his wife, and I felt the brush of Guy’s fingers, and felt as much as saw the warm glance he turned my way.
There is one problem, however.
I am not ready.