Insecurity, lurking around every corner

Nothing brings your emotions to light quite like the enforced seclusion of keeping germs to myself. Each night this week I’ve lurched home, dropped my things on the nearest flat surface, and found a corner to coil up in. It’s left me surprisingly little human contact, and allowed my mind far too much space for rampant play.

My rapid forward progress in the healing process was bound to hit a few little roadblocks on the way.

This time, the cessation of forward momentum inherent in a great deal of downtime allowed my insecurities to catch up. They may even have lapped me a few times this week. Though shadows, ephemeral and without the words and abuse of my ex to lend them more shape and credibility, they still worked their way into my consciousness. Insidious little bastards, aren’t they?

Up a few pounds. You know, you’re fat, because you’re lazy. That scale isn’t going to go the right direction if you don’t get off your ass. 

Disappointing everyone relying on you? Way to slip back into old habits. Push. Push. Push. They’ll decide you take too much effort if you can’t keep up. Can’t keep your commitments and promises.

Oh, so you cancelled? Thought it was the right thing to do? Well, sucks to be you. You must be backsliding in your recovery, since you’re hiding away again and not meeting your commitments. People were relying on you! You should stop volunteering. You know that when things are tough, now, you just cancel.

That connection you felt with your new Guy last weekend? Maybe it’s just a means to an end. Maybe he’s just a really good actor. Is he still texting you the same amount as he was before? Less? Don’t text him again you idiot! It may be only your first text of the day, but you don’t want to be needy. You don’t want to be the one doing all the work in the relationship, and you know, if you happen to be the one messaging him first for good morning most days, that is a bad precedent.

Sometimes, in hindsight, it is easy to roll my eyes at some of these things.

In a normal week untrammeled by congestion, poor sleep and clogged sinuses, finding my truth and speaking it towards those insecurities is a little easier. Now I can look back and say…

You are moving, you are working towards being healthy. So you’re up a few pounds, but you’re healthier, and happier, and lighter. And that happiness makes you beautiful in ways that send people darting for a second glance, and returning your smile. Go easier on yourself

You know? The people who matter will stick around even if you have an off week.

Everything can’t be a priority. Just because things in life are better, doesn’t mean you can’t have an off day. Or even an off week. Or more! You’re not supposed to be superwoman.

Just be yourself with Guy. Don’t overthink. If he can handle your panic attacks, and still wants to be with you? Just… don’t bury him in insecure texts. That’s still not a good thing. It’s a good thing to be with a guy who has a life outside of you, remember? He does still make time for you. You’re ok. It makes sense that you worry about these things, so don’t beat yourself up about them either.

Today I am still tired. Still exhausted. Finally gathering my resources to combat some of the languor that’s fallen over me this past week. Sunday I woke up in the wee hours just past the middle of the night, lungs tight and clogged, body shaking from a panic attack stirred by the nightmare I had barely wrested myself from.

Recovery takes time, and I will still have good days, and still have bad days. I’ve been as good as possible this week, however, for where I’m at. While the insecurities have been running in circles around me, I’ve done a fairly good job at not letting them dictate my actions.

  • I made it to work every day this week.
  • I went to bed early/on-time and made rest a high priority.
  • I resisted the urge to over or under-compensate for my insecurities with Guy. (I think these were triggered by our weekend away, feeling vulnerable with someone again. Although he handled everything with class, in the past, vulnerability has not been ‘safe’.)

Fuzzy brain, and I can’t quite gather my thoughts any longer. Hopefully I will be back to posting less non-sensical rambles soon.

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