Amused frustration

There are always loose ends.

My divorce was final over six weeks ago, and yet my ex has yet to send me the money he was instructed to. This is the second time in three months a check he has supposedly sent to the P.O. box has gone astray. His comment mentioned something about how ‘Frankly suspicious’ he was regarding us not receiving it, but he would resend one anyway. (I know him well enough, he would not send ‘a new’ check if he thought I had access to both. He attributes his own level of maturity and vindictiveness to me. Which is to say, a very little and quite a lot respectively.)

He then proceeds to snark at me for not contacting a group to sign documents which will allow them to work on doing away with a portion of our mutual debt. Does he provide the contact information? No. Has he? No.

This, after throwing a tantrum that he can’t reach me directly through our one e-mail. It is grating on him, that he doesn’t have direct access to me. He keeps suggesting I change the protection order, and I can’t quite understand what he thinks I think that will accomplish. I am quite happy with someone else vetting all communique’s.

I have a confession to make, and it is one that I am not entirely proud of. My excuse is that he knows where I work, and I need to know his level of stability. I’ve been keeping an eye on his public facebook page, which is suddenly active since our divorce finalized. He is all over the place. And he’s referenced me twice in the past 6 weeks. As well as posted information about supporting himself through school, and having no debt, and still graduated. The first is questionable tweaking of facts. The latter two are blatant lies. He never applied to graduate, and he had over 40,000 in school loans.

Wish I could say I dodged that bullet, but at least it wasn’t a kill shot.

I need to stop, I know it isn’t healthy to keep tabs on him. Yet, in some ways, I suddenly began to recollect all the moments he began losing my respect. A year into our marriage I began to learn what a selfish, angry, and vicious person he could be. I kept trying to focus on the good things, and never quite knew how to handle the moments he would veer from Jekyl to Hyde and back again. There were so many moments I covered for him, helped him hide the dark places of himself, all the while trying to force Respect where there was less and less to respect.

It is almost fascinating to me, to see what he says now that I am no longer there to chain him to the truth. He can make up, and does, all kinds of interesting stories.

Growing up in church, there was a push to respect your husband, sometimes even if they didn’t deserve it. (Perhaps that wasn’t the intent of the message, but it was invariably the message that I received, time and time again). My viewpoint now has changed so much, even still considering myself a Christian, I don’t think anyone deserves blind respect. Sure, we should treat everyone with dignity, because that says more about us as individuals than anyone else… but that doesn’t mean someone gets a free pass.

Maybe that is something obvious to others. I’m wondering what core beliefs about marriage or relationships have changed  for you readers since childhood, if any have? I’m finding that I am identifying and adjusting a lot of mine as I go through therapy and process my experiences.


11 thoughts on “Amused frustration

  1. A burden shared is a burden halved. I wish you luck with your struggles. My views about relationships totally changed since childhood. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Then I read a book… “Are you the one for me?” By Barbara de Angelis. It is a book about relationships. How they fail, how they work, and a factual psychological approach about how they should progress.

    I highly reccommend it! Good luck with your path, and may God guide you clearly.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve read her stuff as well as books by her ex. While they are okay, I have authors I respect more than those. I note you read my blog “Safe People”. I highly recommend the authors I mentioned in that blog. When I’m not so tired, I’ll make a point to share some others I’ve found very helpful. In reading your blog just now, I believe we’ve some similar experiences when it comes to marriage–so perhaps what has helped me will be beneficial for you too.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Masqued. Have you ever thought of journaling all of the crap that you have gone through and continue to go through. I have been doing that for over two years and have literally hundreds of pages of “reminders” of what an ass my ex was. As a result, I have no need to stalk her or view her FB pages or want to know what she is doing in anyway. Anytime I start to think that she may not have been as bad as I thought, I simply go read that journal for a bit.

    Regarding the money he owes you – can’t you have his checks or the money he owes be routed through your attorney. That way there is legal record of what he pays and when he pays it? Just a question.

    Hang in there. It will continue to get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I go back and forth about journaling details, and how specific to be. My fear is that I don’t want to live in the past. I want to process those things, but not get stuck there. There is such a permanence to the written word, and because of how my mind works, I just worry about making him a focus in my life in that way. I think my current worries are more in the present. I have a lot of anxiety about encountering him, or where he is, or how ‘ramped up’ and crazy he might be mood swinging this week vs. other weeks. For me, even though I am going to follow the advice of some here and do my best to stop watching, it is more of a perspective shift. I am now seeing him without the protective veil I needed to live with him. Seeing him how so many other people must have experienced him over the years. When things come up, maybe I will blog about them more here. It is hard to break the habits of a decade and stop hiding the painful/embarrassing details sometimes.

      It is one last check to resolve the costs of shared bills in the latter half of last year. If it doesn’t show up this week, I will have to go back to the attorney and see what we can do. Since it’s just a one-off (I didn’t want to deal with any ongoing ties) I just need this last bit to come in and we’re almost done with any further interactions.

      Thankyou for the reply, and encouragement! Lots of great thoughts here!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my gosh… so much is familiar to me here. Here’s a corner of my story: You have to stop watching him though! Step away from the FaceBook. I also have a lot to say about the “Respect” piece but I’m just going to recommend a good read: For Women Only by Shanti Feldman. It’s a game changer (Meaning you’ll have a completely different understanding of our differences). Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very true, about not watching him anymore! Trying to find ways to keep myself accountable and stay away. I’ll add that book to my list of to-reads! Thanks for the tip. 🙂

      Maybe the respect piece, if you have a lot to say, would we a good blog post? 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I received that book for free in exchange for my review of it. I did appreciate the first 4 chapters of the book. After making my way through the book however, I’m afraid I was not a fan. While the info on respect is correct, Shanti Feldman is not the originator of that information. I’m rather surprised she didn’t get sued for plagiarism, as it became clear to me she “borrowed”, rather heavily, her information from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs book “Love & Respect” “The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs”. Dr. Eggerichs book is an excellent, comprehensive source. My copy came from, at a very reasonable cost, and included a CD.

      Liked by 1 person

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