Comprehending Chaos

Making life complicated is never something I set out to do, yet it seems I am the magnet and chaos is the iron filings. This post has a little of everything, as I try and process out the churn and understand why I feel so overwhelmed in this moment.

Interview tomorrow, and a really amazing opportunity. My current workplace seems to be scurrying about in an effort to craft a potential counter-offer. I don’t want to stay, for professional and personal reasons, but I also don’t want to burn bridges.

I’m meeting with a friend tomorrow night for dinner, and hope to have a frank conversation with her. While I’ve never been good at these things, we have a long history and I think she will be able to handle it. There’s a sense that she might be a little frustrated with me too, so maybe this will give us both a chance to get some things off our chest.

My first valentine’s with Guy is Sunday. I have to admit to being a little nervous, I am house-sitting for a friend so suggested he come over and I’ll make him dinner, and we can play our board games we like and watch some movies. There won’t be anything ‘more’ happening, partly because I don’t think I am ready, and partly because it takes a while for certain BC medication to settle in my system.

With my ex, I waited for marriage before we slept together. Right now, I don’t know if I am ever going to marry again. So while I don’t plan on being irresponsible, I also don’t plan on being celibate the rest of my life either. As a Christian, I know that doesn’t really line up with the rest of my belief system, but it is what it is.

That said, guy invited me to a weekend away at end of February, which adds a whole other level of stress/whirling thoughts to the mix. I’ve accepted, and I’m looking forward to it. We made it through the awkward ‘talk’, and while the content isn’t necessary to write about, my struggles with starting that conversation could fill a post of its own.

In a few months I will be returning to school, which went badly the last few times I tried, but I should only have about 9 months left until I finish.

I have bills that I need to take care of and do something about, especially my student loans. My anxiety over money and phone conversations pertaining to paying it out for bills/collections, is something I struggle with.

I worry over my family, their health issues and financial issues. Living with them it is hard to find that line over how much to help and what is fair to do. I’ve fallen off that tightrope before, and it isn’t pretty. Yet, what else is family for if not to support one another?

Yet as I am looking at these things, I realize there is a fairly common thread that applies to most, if not all of them. Being judged. In the end, I will be answerable to myself and God for my own choices in this life, and I know that other peoples hang-ups should not matter. Yet they do, partly because I lived with someone judgmental whose hang-ups had to matter.

What a fine muddle I’ve found myself in, where so many of my behaviors that have become so instinctual and protective and anxiety-producing are ones contrary to a normal, healthy life. But hey, at least I’m aware of them more than I was a year ago. You can’t craft lasting change unless you know what you are doing and why.






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