Through the storm

“His lawyer needs to see this.”

My attorney’s voice sounded tinny on the other side of the phone, and my sudden fierce determination not to be bullied seemed to have revitalized her after dealing with an obnoxiously resistant other lawyer and my ex.

After months of waiting for the other side to get their act and documents and time together, our attorneys had finally met. Hashed out a few details. And promptly improperly mathed the retirement funds of my Ex as they related to our 50/50 split. Having only had the documents for a handful of moments before they discussed, it was not until she was writing up a suggested final papers that my lawyer recognized the difficulties.

His lawyer seemed annoyed at the discovery, and reluctant to even deal with my ex. Having been married to the man for nearly a decade, I can’t say I didn’t blame him.

“He is going to go Ballistic.” Came the immediate reply. “I already told him he was out for no more money.”
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Where do I go from here?

Once, when travelling, I stepped off the temperature controlled plane and into a humid, open expanse of air. Heat rose from the tarmac in waves that rippled light, yet the air was so thick, it felt like someone had dropped a heavy, wet blanket over my head. Being an asthmatic, my lungs tried to seize, and breathing grew more labored.

That moment, stepping back inside an air conditioned room, seemed like a wonderful reprieve. A shedding of a burden I hadn’t expected. Suddenly, I could breathe again.

Stepping forward into this new year, feels a lot like walking back into that air conditioned airport on that hot summer day. The heavy weight that has been suffocating me is finally gone. There are still minor details – renewing the protection order. Filing taxes. I’s to dot and t’s to cross.

But I am free.

Free.

A part of me feels that even this freedom should come with a little bit of anxiety. Yet I am looking ahead wondering mostly, “how fast do I move ahead in ‘x’ area of life?” and “how do I avoid the potholes that tripped me up before?”

Frankly, however? I’m happy.

The holidays were a chaotic swirl of divorce finalization, visiting friends, travelling, car accident. All followed up with a bout of flu. But despite the chaos, I’ve been surrounded. Supported. Loved. Celebrated.