Cultivating a little chaos

When you have lived in Chaos for so long, a part of you finds ways to create that sense of urgency even when you are out of the situation that caused so many of your difficulties.

Wherever this observation came from (whether it was from my therapist, or a book, or an article scrounged from the wilds of the internet) it is nonetheless fitting for me, as I look around my life now. I’ve managed to craft myself weekly commitments on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. The first two for my own fun, the latter I volunteer that night running an event. (And doing it a little half-assed, if I were to be totally honest with myself, though everyone seems to be having fun regardless, so maybe that is my perfectionist tendencies popping out.)

Yet I’ve been thinking over, a little futilely, what is nudging me to instinctively fill so many of my moments. Last night I met my new guy friend, Friday night I’ll attend a game night he will also be going to.

Last weekend I took a trip to the Ocean with one of my friends I’ve known for over 15 years.

Tomorrow, after my Physical Therapy appointment, I’m squeezing in lunch with a friend who just had her baby.

This is, inevitably, how my weeks go. Squeezing in time for all my important people (do I have too many?). Pushing myself to doing activities that run, perhaps, a little late for me. Until I start getting tired, and stay home and crash for the entire weekend.

That is on the menu for this upcoming Saturday and Sunday. I am taking myself on a date to watch a movie, writing for NaNoWriMo, maybe getting a massage, but otherwise chilling and relaxing and taking some quiet time for myself.

But still, I wonder. Why exactly do I create this frenetic atmosphere? Is it to keep myself from dwelling on the past? Or perhaps from worrying over the future? Am I afraid of what will happen if I just sit still with my own thoughts? Do I think I will lose my friendships if I don’t make time for them?

I’ve had a few weeks off from counseling as my therapist has been on vacation, but I’m looking forward to starting those off again next Wednesday and regaining some enforced sit down and think it out time.

It isn’t that I am unhappy, more that I am noticing patterns of my behavior and wondering what is causing them.

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One thought on “Cultivating a little chaos

  1. Hi, my name is Havoc, and Im a Chaos addict… All jokes aside, I too suffer from that affliction, and I hope I can save you some time finding out why.

    We all like the familiar. Our homes while we grow up sets that tone. My home was filled with conflict, emotional distance… and lots of chaos. It became my comfort zone. So I created chaos (so well that it became my nickname). I looked for it in my relationships, I even planned it. Maybe you may also feel that familiar warmth in the consternation. Thats my excuse anyway, haha.

    Otherwise, some avoid silence, as they are’nt yet comfortable with themselves. Or they might be a type two on the ennagram (the helper) who as person dislikes time away from others (one can easily google it for tests as well as the full profile of a helper)

    Sorry for the lengthy comment. I hope it is helpful to you. Good luck, and enjoy your off weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

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