He means the words to get to me. Some friends are more forthcoming than others about what is said. A few remain on his friends list just to keep an eye on him. I need to figure out a tactful way to halt this occasional flow.
Perhaps it is, simply, honesty that I need to offer.
Yet there are others who offer concerned looks and hesitate to share certain things they are privy to. I can read the concern in the eyes that do not meet mine. The disgust coloring their tone.
This week marks an event that would have held meaning in my marriage. All signs point to him ramping. But I think it is the defiantly public way some friends chose me over him. Nothing directly said, just their public eagerness for me to be a part of an ongoing event. My participation, thanks to the protection order, prevents his attendance.
I tried to suggest to them, that if my ex wanted to participate I would rather just let things lie quietly. But they spent six weeks convincing me that they wanted me involved. I have promises of ongoing rides and escorts and watchful people making sure I am safe.
Part of me feels like the anxiety is irrational. But part of me is genuinely nervous. I carry the keys to the vehicle he drives, and press the panic button when I go to places we may have in common.
The man can hold a grudge, and since I am now ‘the devil’ as he refers to me on facebook, it makes me wonder what he might do as he continues to dehumanize me in his mind.
I am going out of town for a few days, just to find a change of scenery. It is an escape. And feels too much like running away. But I need to fill myself with experiences he is not a part of. Layer new memories, better ones, over the old.