“It’s just…. money/worthless/unimportant….”

(A forgotten draft, posted late almost a year later.)

There is this fine line for me, a line between empowerment and safety. A line between productivity and caving in to irrationality. My whole goal in this divorce, has been to untangle us from our marriage with as little cost as possible. My ex is ill, and in some ways I pity him because he’s stumbling around in this world of paranoia where everyone is out to get him. He genuinely believes I am a money-grubbing witch who intends to ruin him.

Here, where I am paying all the bills, as he doles out funds 2-3 weeks late.

Here, where I let him stay in our home for 3 months before pushing him to find another place.

Here, where I left him the car, kept him on my health insurance.

I gave him all the opportunities to make the best decisions for his health. And yesterday, he was so upset after signing a motorcycle title we agreed to sell, that he practically ripped the handle of the van door from it’s seat. It’s still hanging there, and won’t go back into it’s position. My father had to lock himself in the car and drive away.

Because he thought I was going to keep the money. In a way I suppose that was true, though my plan and communication has always been to set it aside to handle mutual debt. My lawyer has stated I am fully within rights to place it in a separate bank account and not touch it.

The motorcycle was intended to be a graduation gift, as well as an ‘oops, I crashed it’ fix from when he test-rode it. Come to find out, he garnered over $40,000 in debt, but when it came time to apply for his degree, he simply chose not to. He let me believe he graduated. And when I asked why he didn’t put it on his resume, he made up reasons relating to how much he hated the program. As of the day he left, he had put it on his resume, but hadn’t actually submitted anything to finalize it.

So in a further temper tantrum, he e-mails the realtors in a tizzy and states he is going to call the whole thing off.

I feel like an umbrella loosed in a thunderstorm, awaiting the next lightning strike, sure it is going to be any second.

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