Struggling today. This week. Having a hard time focusing. Haven’t heard anything back from my Ex after my last e-mail to him (through our lawyers). I can’t move on, until our debts are settled and our home sold. It is the only avenue through which he can control me, so I have no illusions as to why he is dragging his heels. 

My father is good with actions, but words are not his strong suit. In his efforts to be supportive, he offers a very pessimistic view of the things I am considering for my future. They don’t quite change daily, but one thing I know is how desperately I want to write. To finally take a stab at writing a novel, since it won’t matter to anyone but myself. It is the only dream I haven’t been able to chase down and pursue, as my Ex was terribly dismissive of what I did write. He prefered dark, rather twisted fiction, and content about the dark stuff of life. I need the balance of grit and sunshine.

I have no illusions – it is not an easy goal. It will take work and dedication.

Surely, my father is simply trying to be protective and supportive. Yet he comes across as discouraging.

I wish I were able to talk to him more. Be more open and honest. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship over the years, but she now knows how to handle our discussions better. It is easier to talk to her, though I love my father no less for it.

It is hard to shake the feeling of being a burden. No matter how many assurances I get to the contrary.

There really is no rhyme or reason to these rambles. Just an absent mind unable to settle on any one thought.


4 thoughts on “Glum

  1. That waiting is frustrating. I waited 16 months as the ex tried to drag everything along-changing attorneys…putting demands on me for this or that. I definitely got to know my parents better! They were the anchor I needed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I cut my ex off from being able to e-mail me directly – we had worked in an e-mail way into the protection order to allow us to communicate for divorce purposes only. Now he’s simply not responding to our lawyer version of ‘telephone’. My hopes in getting things sold and done are waning quickly. I’m starting to rethink my approach and starting to prepare myself for an endurance race.


  2. If you want to write a book, that is what you should do. Don’t wait for others to embrace your desires as they may never do it and you could miss out. Be okay with what you want for you.

    Hang in there. It will get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks hun. It feels selfish, but for the first time in my life, that is what I’m trying to do. Being okay with what I want for me. It helps to hear that from other voices though, helps me feel less crazy.

      I’ve spent so much of my life doing for everyone else, it’s going to be work rewiring myself, but I need to find a better balance.

      Liked by 1 person

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