Struggling today. This week. Having a hard time focusing. Haven’t heard anything back from my Ex after my last e-mail to him (through our lawyers). I can’t move on, until our debts are settled and our home sold. It is the only avenue through which he can control me, so I have no illusions as to why he is dragging his heels.
My father is good with actions, but words are not his strong suit. In his efforts to be supportive, he offers a very pessimistic view of the things I am considering for my future. They don’t quite change daily, but one thing I know is how desperately I want to write. To finally take a stab at writing a novel, since it won’t matter to anyone but myself. It is the only dream I haven’t been able to chase down and pursue, as my Ex was terribly dismissive of what I did write. He prefered dark, rather twisted fiction, and content about the dark stuff of life. I need the balance of grit and sunshine.
I have no illusions – it is not an easy goal. It will take work and dedication.
Surely, my father is simply trying to be protective and supportive. Yet he comes across as discouraging.
I wish I were able to talk to him more. Be more open and honest. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship over the years, but she now knows how to handle our discussions better. It is easier to talk to her, though I love my father no less for it.
It is hard to shake the feeling of being a burden. No matter how many assurances I get to the contrary.
There really is no rhyme or reason to these rambles. Just an absent mind unable to settle on any one thought.